Do you come here often?

I am a wreck – a quivering, shaking, stuttering – wreck. Why? I have entered the world of Online Dating and I am not ashamed to say; I haven’t quite got the hang of it….. no, that should read: I have no idea what I am doing, what I want or what has possessed me.

I found joining the sites easy, yes I have joined more than a few, but less than a lot. I even got past the ‘Username’ selection; I was amazed that, in one form or another, ‘desperate’ was taken. I selected another, less self-explanatory one, making sure I didn’t make a note of this or the passwords; as that would be far too sensible. I now hold the world record for having to click on theĀ  condescending……. ‘forgotten password’ which is underlined with attitude ink. Having logged back in, I completed the process with a mind-blowing profile: I then watched the screen….

Nothing! I went off and made a cuppa, as we all know, a cup of tea cures everything; still nothing. My hopes dashed I leave it alone for a few days then I give it another bash. I check out my profile, I quickly realise that the ‘about me’ section I had to write makes me look very dodgy, desperate, without standards and a touch of madness as the cherry on top. I quickly rectify this and make myself less mind-blowing, but I left in a little bit of humour; as I need all the help I can get.

For the want of something better to do I started to click on ‘stuff’; I found a chat room. So now I was getting somewhere: slowly. The joy of finally getting the point was short-lived: the timeline went through at the speed of light and the language was all in text speak. I was getting slightly dizzy watching; grabbing words here and there; mainly rude ones, and the odd username.

My inbox flashed. “Hello Newbe57” That’s me. I almost start hyperventilating and want to rush out to buy a wedding outfit. “Hi” I reply (What a profound use of the English language.) The username was DD42ff! “wht u up 2” she asked. “Just learning the ropes. I’m sure I will get the hang of it soon.” (For god sake give me the rope) She disappeared as quick as she appeared: back to the mach 4 timeline. My new tactic was to post randomly, not a bad tactic, well so I thought, until I spotted a “Whos that newby57? wht a fucking idiot” Well…..she did have a point. I did the web version of running like hell: logged off and sent myself to bed.

Please note: I have changed Usernames to protect the innocent…. and myself. So in the unlikely event Newbe57 and DD42ff existing……… Sorry